Game of Thrones, Season Two, Episode Five Recap - Vanity Fair

BREAKING NEWS: there was no nudity in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones! A lot happened last night. Stannis is murdered, Brienne must flee, Daenerys learns about the city of Qarth, and Cersei is tired of Tyrion’s “schemes and plots.” Those are the same things dear sister, sighs Tyrion. And so they are! But above all else, we can pretty much all agree that it was the lack of boobs, ladies of  the night, and sex that was the predominant theme. At least in our debauched minds. On to this week’s power ranking!

1. Stannis Baratheon
So it’s a little unclear, but it seems that the ghost shadow thing that the red-lady-priestess-turned-lover birthed was maybe Stannis (readers of the books will know that it was), but either way, the shadow stabs Renly through the back (low even for a shadow creature) and in one swoop Stannis has acquired all of Renly’s army except for the Highgarden children. Margaery is distressed, but not quite as much as Loras, who she convinces to escape with her. Littlefinger asks Margaery if she still wants to be a Queen (clearly he has a scheme of sorts) and true to her type casting form, she replies, “I want to be the Queen.” Touché, Margaery. Touché. So now that his army has doubled in size, Stannis comes in at the top of this week’s power ranking.

2. Starks
They are still winning, apparently, according to Tywin’s lamenting, which Arya overhears now that she is cupbearer. They still have the Kingslayer in their possession, and as Tywin explains to his council, Robb’s men love him.

3. Lannisters
They still aren’t winning anything on the battlefield, but they are down one foe, since Stannis killed Renly. They are stocking up on wildfire, which appears to be a napalm-like substance they can fling at approaching ships. Otherwise, its clear the people of King’s Landing despise Joffrey, and unfortunately the tiny Tyrion Demon Monkey they believe is pulling the strings. The upside is, there were lots of Bronn quips in this episode, which are becoming almost as good as Tyrion’s. As one viewer told me, he could always use more Bronn.

4. Daenerys Targareyn
Apparently settling into Qarth, her Dragons are eating and growing, and Daenerys has even been offered a lot of money if she marries the wealthy trader who’s hosting her. Enough money to buy ships and armies, and invade King’s Landingâ€"though as Jorah points out, she’d always be in debt to Qarth, which is not really the best way to take a throne.  Oh, also, he might be in love with her, so there’s that. . . awkwardness.

Also Making Headlines in Westeros:
Mance Rayder is still gathering wildlings North of the Wall. Gendry has a hot bod, though Arya seems only to notice his sub-par dueling footwork (“Practice like you mean it.”) Jaqen H’ghar offers three lives to Arya, for saving him and his two companions from the fire when they were locked in the jail cart during the raid. She can name any three names she wants. Also, he speaks in the third person, which is intriguing for some reason.

Until next week!

Previously: Game of Thrones Season-Two Recaps