Ten Scenarios in Which It Is O.K. to See <i>Piranha 3DD</i> Before <i>Snow ... - Vanity Fair

This weekend, moviegoers will be faced with a no-brainer decision at the box office: see Snow White and the Huntsman, an awe-inspiring reinterpretation of a fairy-tale classic starring top-notch talent (Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, and a deliciously wicked Charlize Theron), exquisite wardrobes from one of Hollywood’s top costume designers, and stunning visual effects. Or see Piranha 3DD, a silly-looking horror sequel co-starring David Hasselhoff, a beach full of bouncing bikini blondes, and a school of prehistoric piranhas eager to feast on them. But despite all appearances, we’ve uncovered, there are exactly 10 sets of circumstances in which it truly makes sense to see Piranha 3DD before Snow White and the Huntsman. Ahead, those limited situations.

1. You are an adolescent at heart, a diehard enthusiast of the killer-sea-creature subgenre, or a film critic assigned to review Piranha 3DD.

2. You are a multiplex employee who has exhausted his/her sick days and has been assigned to monitor the Piranha 3DD theater.

3. You are a publicist, manager, employee, or close family member of a Piranha 3DD cast member and have been solicited to see the film. (You really have no choice, sorry.)

4. You are the “cool” parent or guardian of a child or teenager under the age of 17 and are desperate for their approval, even if it means sitting through 83 minutes of gore, Gary Busey, and, inexplicably, “water-trained strippers.”

5. At the ticket booth, you were confused by the Piranha 3DD poster in which star Danielle Panabaker is made to look eerily like Kristen Stewart (above) and assumed that this was the Kristen Stewart movie that everyone has been talking about.

6. All tickets to Snow White and the Huntsman and every other feature at the theater are sold out, your ride isn’t picking you up for another two hours, your cell phone is dead, and there is not a bus route, Starbucks, or loitering-tolerable establishment nearby.

7. You are looking for last-minute inspiration before your own 3DD implant surgery.

8. You are doing research for your thesis paper on shotgun prostheses and their efficacy in killer-sea-creature attacks.

9. You lost a cruel bet.

10. After accidentally ingesting bath salts (a nasty prank on your roommate’s part), you walk into the wrong theater and, disoriented, assume that you are just watching one extended commercial for a distressingly violent family water park before the feature presentation.