The Traitors host Claudia Winkleman would be unlikely to take any prisoners in a celebrity version of the reality TV show - Mark Mainz/BBC
The second series of The Traitors is over and, as will be the case for many viewers, there is now a sense of emptiness in my life, a huge gap shaped in roughly the same manner as Claudia Winkleman's fringe. It's so rare for something to come along and unite three generations of a family in screaming at the television, instead of each other, but The Traitors has managed it, with its twists, turns and menacingly slowed-down versions of otherwise jaunty pop songs.
Here are a few choice questions that have been bellowed from our sofa in the past few weeks: how does Claudia manage to get her hair so shiny (from my mother); how can Harry be smart enough to fool his fellow contestants for weeks but not be able to spell "Charlot" (from my daughter); and finally, why wasn't I the genius to monetise wink murder and pitch it to the BBC (from me)?
Mostly, of course, we wonder when the next series will start, and whether or not they are going to treat us to a celebrity edition of the show.
For years, it has been practice for networks to adapt popular reality television programmes by giving us a version featuring well known faces. Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity MasterChef, Celebrity Bake Off, Celebrity Apprentice, Celebrity Come Dine With Me, and so on and so forth, until the circle begins to complete itself and "normal" people who have become famous by appearing on reality TV end up appearing on the celebrity versions of other shows. It is a perfect business model, if you think about it. If only someone had pitched it to Dragon's Den.
But of all the reality TV formats that have ever existed, the most perfect one for celebrities has to be The Traitors. Being able to see famous people for who they really are is one of our favourite things. What better way to do it than throwing them into a programme that shows every contestant's true character, even if they happen to be pretending to be someone else? Especially if they happen to be pretending to be someone else? So with that in mind, I give you my dream casting for Celebrity Traitors. Please do feel free to add yours in the comments below.
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak - Getty Images
Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer - Heathcliff O'Malley
The introduction of US-style presidential debates in 2010 was deemed un-British, but worse than that, it has never really told us anything about our political leaders other than how good they were in their school debating society. Which, in my mind, is not a great measure of how well someone is going to run the country. Far better to subject Rishi and Keir to two weeks in a Scottish castle with Claudia Winkleman, where we can really see how trustworthy they are. A great idea before the General Election, don't you think?
Simon ClarkeMP Simon Clarke - David Rose
Or any Conservative MP, for that matter, most of whom have been playing an extremely long and extremely tedious game of Traitors for the last three years, at great expense to the taxpayer. At least let's get our money's worth by chucking some of them into the Beeb's premier reality TV show, and seeing how well they get on.
Kyle WalkerFootballer Kyle Walker - Gareth Cattermole/FIFA
The Manchester City and England star must be used to being asked the question "are you [a] faithful?", given the complicated nature of his romantic relationships, as witnessed in the tabloids recently. Also, his boss is Pep Guardiola, so he probably won't be that phased every time a cloaked Claudia descends on him at the breakfast table.
The 1975 lead singer Matty Healy with his mum, Loose Women presenter Denise Welch - Justin Palmer/GC Images
Here's a great pub quiz fact for you: Loose Women presenter Denise Welch is the mother of Matty Healy, the lead singer of rock band The 1975, who recently dated Taylor Swift and was once described in The Telegraph as "the millennial Jim Morrison". This unlikely mother-son pairing can be the celebrity Traitors version of Diane and Ross, who provided us with some of the best moments of the second season.
J K RowlingAuthor J K Rowling - Tolga Akmen/AFP
The Harry Potter writer would do well in the role of "Faithful everyone thinks is a Traitor simply because she can't keep her views to herself".
Barry KeoghanActor Barry Keoghan - Joe Maher/Getty Images
The star of Saltburn would be a perfect casting, as long as he promised to keep his clothes on and not do anything funny in the challenges that involve putting contestants in graves (not sure the BBC could justify that kind of behaviour before the watershed). After all, he's used to playing characters who swan around grand mansions, murdering people in plain sight.
Michelle MoneMichelle Mone - HGL/GC Images
The ultimate Traitor! Could also negotiate her appearance by offering some of the Scottish properties frozen in a court order as venues for filming.
Coleen RooneyColeen Rooney - Anthony Devlin/Getty Images
Because every series of Traitors needs someone with top-notch detective skills. Forget Jazatha Christie… Step forward Wagatha Christie.
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