Katy Perry Wanted Russell Brand To File For Divorce Because She’s An Alcoholic Who’s Afraid Of Her Parents

For those of you just joining the Internet, Russell Brand filed for divorce from Katy Perry after the two spent months pretending they’re happily married, even going so far as to pump Katy full of booze and fast food to make her look pregnant. Except not really, she just has a drinking problem which is how I chose to read this. TMZ reports:

Our sources tell us … because of the friction and their schedules, they never spent long periods of time with each other.
One big bone of contention … Russell was much more of a homebody than Katy. Katy loved going out and partying, while Russell (who is sober) didn’t enjoy the scene at all. We’re told he would often insist on leaving places early and asking her to come with … which would trigger an argument.

Wow, so Russell Brand’s life really is like Get Him To The Greek. It’s suddenly a good time to be Lars Ulrich. (If you saw the movie, that joke was funny. I’d never lie to you.) Anyway, there was talk that Russell blindsided Katy by filing for divorce in London right before New Year’s, but apparently she wanted him to pull the trigger because he’s already a godless heathen, so her parents won’t freak out and send her to Bible Camp again:

We’re told both Katy and Russell were on board with the divorce a few weeks ago â€" but they didn’t want to be in town when the papers were filed … so he went back to England and she booked it to Hawaii.
Since Katy’s parents are evangelical Christians, we’re told she didn’t want to be the one to “officially” end the marriage by filing the docs … since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.

Yes, because after quitting the Christian music industry to use your breasts as a launch pad for singing songs about experimental lesbianism then getting married in a Hindu ceremony, breaking things off with a British heroin addict who verbally assaults anti-gay “crusaders” is what’s really going to make the Baby Jesus cry here. I get the feeling Katy Perry is missing the big picture, and that big picture is she already tipped her parents’ hand by revealing they’ve cracked Satan’s code and know he’s hiding inside boxes of Lucky Charms. You have cost the Lord Thy God this realm, gluttonly titted harlot!

Photos: Flynet, Splash News